Habits (Stay High)

So, you might guess what happened between myself and J. No? Here's the recap:
On Monday, I had a shitty day. Like I barely ate, had a big ass fight with my ma (I came short of wishing her dead, which I did two days later. Why? I get so angry and frustrated with her so many times. But that is another story), and was stuck in miserable traffic for most of the day. I needed someone to talk to and vent, and I thought J. was the answer. Pues no.

All the answers I got were "LOL. Cool. Oh shit thats bad did you pack some snacks. Mines all most over (regarding me wishing the day be over soon). Nightx x". I got angry because that's not what a friend is supposed to do. Fine: be tired, be sick of me, be dating other people. Be anything you effing want, but please don't move me to the side just because. If anything, we're supposed to be friends first, everything else second, and if you can't be my friend first, with all the implications and work it demands, well then you're not worth my time. You know I need a friend, or at least someone to talk to. And there are things I don't know about--or do I look like the person who carries a crystal ball everywhere? no I'm fucking not, so speak up child.

I did notice that J. visited my profile on OKC a couple of days later. Why? I have no clue.

To check if I'm still active? To see if I changed anything? To find out if I'm dating someone new and that would explain my deleting him from my social media? Maybe. I don't know on what does it depend, but there is one thing (many, actually): I'm glad to see people for what they are sooner than later. I'm glad to see people saying they are kind and loving and have no badness in them and then realize that they can't keep commitments nor can they stick to their word. That they can't make promises because they can't keep them, and they don't have the balls to admit what is really going on. Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English (and Irish) way. It's almost Saturday and he STILL hasn't said anything.

And since I'm not going to start a conversation just to get hurt and mad and angry because that I can do for free and in Spanish, he'll have to deal with the consequences.
A promise to myself is something I can try to keep. I'll go to London and see my friends. Him? Maybe. I'll just make sure to be classy, to remind him what loss he suffered with me and to maybesurewhynot rub it in his face. I'm reading self-help books again so that I can remember why did he let me go in the first place and why it shouldn't hurt me as much as it does now.

Part of me wants to go back to this life I once had, but the other isn't sure and doesn't want to. Still, I miss having fun, I miss getting laid and enjoying nights out. I'll still be browsing.



eat my dinner in my bathtub
Then I go to sex clubs
Watching freaky people getting it on
It doesn't make me nervous
If anything I'm restless
Yeah I've been around and I've seen it all

I get home, I got the munchies
Binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub, then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money
Days kind of lonely

You're gone and I got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe, I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you

Pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my day time
Loosen up the frown, make them feel alive
I make it fast and greasy
I know my way too easy

You're gone and I got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze,
Tryin' to forget you babe, I fall back down
Got to stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you

Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Oh, can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
Oh, staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Oh oh can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain

You're gone and I got to stay high
All the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
High all the time to keep you off my mind, ooh ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Tryin' to forget you babe, I fall back down
Got to stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you