Weisses Fleich

Yesterday, instead of celebrating my parent's wedding aniversary (40 años dando lora), I went and slept with some guy. Truth is, I didn't sleep with him-he just gave me pleasure for about 40 minutes and then I had to come back home.
And when I came back, I thought it wasn't so good.
He was too quick I didn't like it, even though I came twice-
Fuck, what was I thinking?
The reason I sleep with men is because I do it to forget what I need to fix in my own life, and not face what is truly going on. Because I don't want to commit to anyone or with anything, and all I can give is my body, and not my heart (Hearts live inside our minds and pituary glands).
I'm so scared of being able to open my heart and being judged by someone else, that all I do is use men like if they were my toys. I only feel capable of giving my body, not my mind or my soul (the soul lives inside the mind, so I'm contradicting myself right now, but I want to make a point). I'm not interested in truly giving someone what I am-why should I?
I feel this void that I'm not so sure I can fill up. I feel sometimes neglected, sometimes like a little girl, sometimes like a mix between something that has no name.
I have a confession to make: I've never slept with any man because of pure love. Never. With all of them, I've slept because of sheer urgency, of desire mixed with a tingling sensation inside my legs. I fell in love once, with the wrong man. I never got out of it, so what did I do?
I began to forget my own lack of affection in other people's arms. I went from one body to another, trying to find what caused my guilt and pity and self compassion. And I still can't find the answer.
(Porque me dices que les deje de echar la culpa a ellos? Tu también lo haces. Lo hiciste. Lo sigues haciendo. No me pidas a mi que no siga tu ejemplo, A).
I'm wasting my own time in these relationships. I'm wasting myself-for what?
Once upon a time, I was so happy. I used to fend for myself. I tried to dream. Now all I do is wallow im meine Schuld, without a real change. I can change my clothes, my body- how can I change my mind?
I'm not happy with the life I lead. I can change a thing or two, and yet somehow I'll feel guilty because I don't live up to someone else's expectations. Because I may have dissapointed everyone else in the process. Because I decided to help myself first, not just with pretty clothes, but with time!
Another confession: I'm scared shitless of driving. Everyone says it's so easy. And it really is. But I haven't been able to face that task, or that responsability. Why? Why do I reject responsabilities? Why do I give excuses for my behaviour?
Let's start slow.
Let's commit to helping others. To being a better person. To stop looking for answers where there probably are none.
To stop being guilty.
And to anyone who dosen't like it,
SOD OFF!