This is a letter I wrote to an old friend. This is how I feel now, and why I cannot love at the present time, and why I have such a hard time letting go.
My dear J,
The weather is truly crazy in the world. Here we've had a terrible summer and drought-I had never seen rivers so dry, and so many animals dying. We've done too much damage to the world and we will die someday. I just hope we're not around to see it.
Do you remember how did we meet? How did we establish such a strong bond between us? I remember feeling butterflies in my stomach whenever I talked about you with my girlfriends, and I recall the moment I felt a very intense orgasm when I was talking to you. It was one of the first times I had experienced it-the feeling was real, even if I couldn't feel anything but my own skin under my fingers.
Part of what you say is true. We were both kids experiencing contact with someone so far away, exploring different cultures and limits-11 hours away. We're not kids anymore (even though I still look too young), and maybe we crave contact, but something tells me it isn't physical anymore. For me it isn't-the experience of having lost use of my body and trying to regain it as it was before limits my desire. it's been two and a half years since I last had sex. Do I miss it? Sometimes, but that desire has been long gone for a while. I've had my heart broken too much by others and by myself, and I can't give it away so easily anymore. Neither can I give my body away, because I need it back.
Don't think that. You didn't abandon me: you lived your life and I lived mine. We're lucky to have clicked regardless of the differences that may separate us, and of time and distances. We met for a reason, even if we're still figuring out what it is.
I know what you mean about not being able to open up to other people. I have that too, even if my culture seems much more open that yours-I've a hard time giving myself to people, because of what they have done to me and because no matter how much I give, I don't seem to get anything in return. And even if it sounds crazy, I too felt that connection with you-I'm scared and I'm vulnerable, so opening up isn't easy. With you, it was the natural thing to do. it just felt right, and it still does, even if I don't say it as much as I used to or should.
And I stand corrected: I don't have a beautiful smile. it's too puffy (see? I'm too critical of myself). And I'm sorry, but I can't want you right now-I need to want myself first, even if it seems impossible to understand.
What's going on in your life now? You're in my good graces, always. I just can't give myself to love or want anyone right now. Thank you for understanding.
Love, C.
