Don´t blow it

This song, by Cliff Martínez, always gives me the same vision.

I'm naked, and I'm walking through a corridor. Like a hall in a house. The walls are white and sometimes I see pictures trapped in small frames-most of the time, the walls are empty. They're all b/w photographs-
Then I see myself, as if a camera begins to focus on my legs and moving up, and my hair drips water constantly. It's long hair, and I don't look as fat as I am.
I move my hands over the walls of the hall, leaving traces of water as I go by. I walk to find, well, nothing in particular. I'm just walking for it's own sake.
I walk as if I was supposed to find something, but I know that it won't happen. I'm so at ease, and I have a hunch, always, that I will face a test big enough to destroy me, but I'll be able to face it.
I imagine myself facing death, or a life bearing moment. Or both. Something that will determine the person I'm supposed to be.
Then I turn around, and smile at the camera, and probably laugh at my own fate. Then, the dream ends.

Weisses Fleich

Yesterday, instead of celebrating my parent's wedding aniversary (40 años dando lora), I went and slept with some guy. Truth is, I didn't sleep with him-he just gave me pleasure for about 40 minutes and then I had to come back home.
And when I came back, I thought it wasn't so good.
He was too quick I didn't like it, even though I came twice-
Fuck, what was I thinking?
The reason I sleep with men is because I do it to forget what I need to fix in my own life, and not face what is truly going on. Because I don't want to commit to anyone or with anything, and all I can give is my body, and not my heart (Hearts live inside our minds and pituary glands).
I'm so scared of being able to open my heart and being judged by someone else, that all I do is use men like if they were my toys. I only feel capable of giving my body, not my mind or my soul (the soul lives inside the mind, so I'm contradicting myself right now, but I want to make a point). I'm not interested in truly giving someone what I am-why should I?
I feel this void that I'm not so sure I can fill up. I feel sometimes neglected, sometimes like a little girl, sometimes like a mix between something that has no name.
I have a confession to make: I've never slept with any man because of pure love. Never. With all of them, I've slept because of sheer urgency, of desire mixed with a tingling sensation inside my legs. I fell in love once, with the wrong man. I never got out of it, so what did I do?
I began to forget my own lack of affection in other people's arms. I went from one body to another, trying to find what caused my guilt and pity and self compassion. And I still can't find the answer.
(Porque me dices que les deje de echar la culpa a ellos? Tu también lo haces. Lo hiciste. Lo sigues haciendo. No me pidas a mi que no siga tu ejemplo, A).
I'm wasting my own time in these relationships. I'm wasting myself-for what?
Once upon a time, I was so happy. I used to fend for myself. I tried to dream. Now all I do is wallow im meine Schuld, without a real change. I can change my clothes, my body- how can I change my mind?
I'm not happy with the life I lead. I can change a thing or two, and yet somehow I'll feel guilty because I don't live up to someone else's expectations. Because I may have dissapointed everyone else in the process. Because I decided to help myself first, not just with pretty clothes, but with time!
Another confession: I'm scared shitless of driving. Everyone says it's so easy. And it really is. But I haven't been able to face that task, or that responsability. Why? Why do I reject responsabilities? Why do I give excuses for my behaviour?
Let's start slow.
Let's commit to helping others. To being a better person. To stop looking for answers where there probably are none.
To stop being guilty.
And to anyone who dosen't like it,
SOD OFF!

Apersonate de eso.

En la clínica, después que Ale habló acerca de un terreno, papá dijo que me debía apersonar de eso. Solo me limite a quedarme callada y a decir si, si papá, si lo haré. Si?
Si resulta que no soy la persona tan autosuficiente que decía que era. Si no he tenido algo de lo cual pueda apersonarme realmente, algo que sea mio. Estudie y saque mis notas, y ahora he tenido mis trabajos. Pero eso no creo que sea realmente apersonarse de algo-asi como tampoco lo es pensar que eres independiente solo por saber como moverte en una ciudad y por saber a dónde vas y a dónde no.
Il y a deux semaines que je suis allée au magasin pour acheter quelques choses pour moi, vetments. En ce moment lá, je me sens comme une petite fille, comme une vague qui ne sait quoi oú il doit aller. No control.
Pienso que soy independiente y no lo soy-aun dependo del cariño de alguien más, del dinero de alguien mas, de todo lo que me quieran dar y que deba recibir porque aun no he construido nada para mi misma. Y además el hecho que he construido poco por mi misma-que son las cosas que he hecho? Le van a cambiar la vida a alguien?
And another thing. I feel empty, alone. I love getting laid, but right now I'm using it as an excuse. I have to depend on someone else's body so I can forget about something else, see when they call back or not, see when I feel like it or not. I'd love to be my own woman, but right now I'm still a little girl. I'm a little girl still because of mainly guilt. Es tut mir Leid.
Culpa de no estar aqui, culpa de no poder ser lo que los demás quieren que sea, o verme como los demás, de no ayudar a quienes me necesitan, de tener miedo, de que me deba ir y buscar mi futuro afuera y dejar lo que tengo atrás.
Tengo y he tenido miedo toda la vida, y eso me ha frenado mucho, y me ha dado culpas hasta en la sopa-por eso es que he dejado de escribir, porque es esa culpa y esa ansiedad las que me limitan en mis acciones, en la persona que podría ser y que por el hecho de tener a unos pocos contentos se deja ir por el sifón.
Apersonarse de la vida propia no es tan fácil como lo pintan. Al menos, a mi no se me hace asi. Quien me puede dar una idea?